Disowning Nonvegans

• work in progress*

Please do not disown people, whether friends or family, for not being vegan. This is unlikely to encourage them to go vegan and reflects poorly on veganism.

However, there are reasons you might disown somebody who happens to be non-vegan which are not because they aren't vegan, but due to other behavior.

Hostility

Disagreeing with and arguing about veganism is not personal hostility, but constant teasing, harassment, or inescapable argument at inappropriate times is.

If you feel hostility from non-vegans, they may not even realize this is happening or that it is bothering you. Take some specific notes as examples, and then sit them down to talk about it and why it's not appropriate. Even if they do not agree with veganism, it does not give them license to harass you over being vegan.

That said, you should not expect complete silence from them on the matter: they may have concerns, particularly about nutrition, which you should discuss with them to put their minds at ease -- but they need to understand that it's only appropriate to have these discussions in the right time and place. Try to educate yourself on the topic, track your diet, and show them you know how to meet your nutritional needs. In the vast majority of cases, showing them you are safe and are eating a healthy diet will resolve any legitimate concerns they may have.

If hostility continues after discussing it, it is not unreasonable to disassociate with the people who are causing you anxiety for their amusement. If you express this, be sure you make it clear that the problem is their harassment, and has nothing to do with their own choices.

Unsupportive

Any parent who physically forces his or her children to violate their consciences by either threat of violence or starvation should not expect a good relationship with his or her children without some serious and heartfelt apology. Whether any person should accept that apology or not is not for us to recommend; your experiences are your own, and whether or not you can forgive abuse is your decision.

This is not specific to veganism, but applies regardless of whether the child wants to abstain from meat and animal products and be vegan, or wants to eat kosher due to reasons of religious conscience, or any other reasonable restriction which still makes it possible to eat an adequate diet without violating the parents' conscience (e.g a child of vegetarian parents with a diet so restrictive he or she will only eat flesh, or a child of non-cannibal parents who will only eat human flesh, a child of Muslim parents who will only eat pork, etc.). Whether or not you agree with your child on what he or she morally objects to and wants to restrict beyond your family's normal cultural/religious/ethical prohibitions is immaterial.

This does not mean that you need to go out and buy expensive mock meats for your vegan child, or go yourself to have pots blessed in accordance with kosher law. It's very NICE for you to do these things, but at minimum you just have to be materially supportive.

Provide your child with a reasonable budget and access to grocery shopping, or a temple if there is one nearby, access to the kitchen and time to prepare food, etc.

Many parents are even more supportive than this, and frankly should be.

If it's not that hard to make a mostly vegan or mostly kosher (etc.) dish vegan/kosher(etc.) for your child, then you should do it. Leaving out butter from vegetables and using margarine or oil instead, and cooking them in a clean pot, for example, not adding bacon to the green beans (as often done in the south), etc.

The most supportive parents will even prepare vegan staples for their vegan children, cooking tofu instead of meat and generally veganizing family dinners for them, or cooking two meals (the former is easier, it won't kill most people to eat one vegan meal a day).

Patronizing

In some cases there may be no overt hostility, and there may be superficial material support, but the non-vegan may be intellectually patronizing.

For some people, this isn't a big deal, but for others it can feel like being disrespected or thought stupid.

There is a subtle difference between neutrality and apathy. Someone who remains neutral on vegan-related issues may very well have examined the arguments for and against it. They may have considered some of veganism's pros and cons, but haven't found either side's arguments compelling enough to make a hard decision. At the very least, this implies some level of honesty.

Mere apathy on the other hand can come across as dishonest, close minded, and patronizing. If a family member or friend is being completely indifferent about veganism, this shows they don't think animal suffering is an important enough topic to form an issue on. The vegan may interpret this as a flippant dismissal of his or her values. This will not help to solve any problems or facilitate meaningful discussion.

To avoid unnecessary conflict, express your concerns that your family member or friend isn't taking you seriously, and arrange time to discuss the issue. Many vegans want their non-vegan family members and friends to acknowledge and support their values. Vocalizing one's recognition of the good the other person is doing to reduce animal harm and environmental degradation indicates that they take the other person seriously, even if they aren't personally compelled to go vegan.