Can an atheist marry someone of faith?

[CXC0401]

Some background about me:

I grew up in a jack-Catholic home and went to a Catholic school from fifth grade through high school. Towards the end of my junior year I started questioning my faith, during my time in college determined I actually lack faith and reject the notion.

I met my boyfriend in high school and we have been dating for a while. He is Catholic and grew up in a more catholic home than I (even though he breaks some of the sins - in an ironic twist of fate) and he wants to talk about marriage. I still have a lot of schooling to go through (with post college) and generally don't think about those things, but he brings it up a lot.

when we first started to talk about it, when I was first questioning my faith, I saw no problem raising kids as Catholic and getting married in the church because it would be what my (and his) family would want anyway, and eventually my kids would question it and I would tell them the truth about my faith (or lack thereof).

Now thinking about it... I don't want that at all. I don't want my children indoctrinated in a faith that I don't believe and threatened to go to hell. I don't want them to find out I'm atheist and think their mommy is going to be damned at the end of this life. And I certainly don't want to profess my love to my future husband in front of a god I don't believe in, promising to raise my children to follow a faith I reject, and be stuck at a mass every Sunday that I don't support.

I know that the seemingly obvious choice to those who aren't in this predicament would be to leave and find another atheist. But I do love him, with all my heart. He has come to terms with my faith and accepts it and wants to know more about it to understand, and truly is a wonderful man. He treats me with respect and has gotten me through some very tough times in my life. So... do you think it's possible? Can an atheist marry and be happy and successful in a relationship with a practicing religious person?

(Note: I remember in my religion classes they always stressed about not marrying outside of the catholic church because morals are a very base thing. How convenient)

TL;DR: Can an atheist who doesn't want to raise children with faith marry someone/compromise with a practicing Catholic/Christian/religious person?

[brimstoneSalad]

Can an atheist marry and be happy and successful in a relationship with a practicing religious person?

The answer is "no" in proportion to the extent the person is religious.

If you're talking about a lapsed-Catholic Christian-only-in-name and actually an agnostic deist who doesn't care at all about religion, then sure.

The good news is it's easy to convert a Christian to atheism if the person is intelligent, respectful, and open minded.

[EquALLity]

You don't want your kids to grow up thinking you are going to hell... So your boyfriend thinks that?

Isn't that kind of uncomfortable for you guys? He thinks you deserve to burn forever...

[CXC0401]

The answer is "no" in proportion to the extent the person is religious.

If you're talking about a lapsed-Catholic Christian-only-in-name and actually an agnostic deist who doesn't care at all about religion, then sure.

The good news is it's easy to convert a Christian to atheism if the person is intelligent, respectful, and open minded.

He is more Catholic in practice than I ever was, and his family is really religious, but I'm not quite sure he would ever convert. While I think he is intelligent and respectful, his open-mindedness only extends to not shoving the religion down my throat. Not that he would ever convert. And besides, he's the only one I've actually told that I was atheist to (this whole thing is new for me) and I wouldn't even know where to begin on debating him. With my schooling (and I emphasize the Catholicism over Christianity because of the extra scriptures, documents, and the following of the Pope that comes with Catholicism) there was always some sort of excuse or filler to all of the loopholes that I've seen atheists combat - all of the stories in the bible are metaphors and there are a lot of infallible statements made from the Pope (this just means that he was speaking for Jesus, and his word is sacred) that justify different arguments.

I don't know. I'm really lost here. I tend to spend more time defending Christianity and Catholicism to play devils advocate so that I don't make any arguments that would make me out to be ignorant...

[CXC0401]

You don't want your kids to grow up thinking you are going to hell... So your boyfriend thinks that?

Isn't that kind of uncomfortable for you guys? He thinks you deserve to burn forever...

He doesn't think that. He thinks that everyone will spend time in purgatory for their sins until they repent and can go to heaven (which is a pretty accepted view that hardly gets mentioned). And to be quite honest we try not to talk about it because it pisses us both off. I'll tell him I think he was brainwashed, he gets mad... It just turns ugly.

[which yes, I know... avoiding it doesn't make it better, but we haven't yet found a reasonable way to talk about it]

I just know to a lot of Catholics and Christians that would be my faith, and the lessons children learn are usually from their peers (from their parents) and I don't need them coming home thinking that... nor would I want to hide it from my own children.

I guess I just don't know if an atheist has ever had a successful marriage with a strong religious person (besides the obvious 'well yes' answers) that truly enjoys it.

[Mr_E]

I would not be able to stand a person of religion. Their minds are too slow and their lifes are too limited.

[garrethdsouza]

Tw

What are your thoughts on veganism and have you thought/are informed a bit on dietary ethics/skepticism?

Ideological stances can be important to an individual,sometimes the most important part to an individual. Being trapped/forced to conform to something that you're not can be a lifelong disappointment not to mention unnecessarily messes up relationship life and as an atheist you already know this is the only life you've got. Where are you located? I'd say delve deeper into atheism if you identify as one since you seem to be relatively new to it and get involved in online and importantly LOCAL atheist groups, get to know folks and make friends there etc since you haven't outed yourself to anyone else yet locally. Individually, society can get to you but your resolve is generally harder to break when you're in numbers, when there's more friends support groups etc. I'd definitely advise avoiding rushing into things before you're comfortable as an atheist etc and you know what life is like as one, have some degree of support etc

Avoid rushing in to things as big as a lifelong commitments, considering you're only in college and have the rest of your life ahead of you. Avoid getting tied down too early! Think what you actually want and want to achieve in life and then decide. Don't think just in relationship mode. If you were single now, what sort of a partner would you want to date, what sort of a partner would you want for the rest of your life? If it's an atheist, then you don't have to push ahead for a life long relationship with an indoctrinated religious person and stay as a closeted atheist, just because you're in a relationship with someone right now. It's tough but you have to make decisions on this.

If your partner is truly open minded and willing to think about it, you could try street epistemology like boghossian's works (a manual for creating atheists) though I'm not familiar with how successful it is. Alternatively, there are less rigid folks like the universal Unitarians church which is accepting of people whether theyre atheists or any spirituality but again you'd have to put up with some degree of woo, just less authoritarian woo I guess. And that is IF your partner is open to it.

I'd say talk it out with your partner about what they expect and what are their thoughts on not having marriage/raising kids as Catholic are, if they would take some time to think about it. If it's out of the question, then ya it may be an initially a bitter pill to swallow but being brutally honest you may have to pull the plug on it which you probably already know. Else stay stuck in a lifelong relationship where you never are what you would like to actually be and face compatibility issues which have their own set of consequences/problems? Sounds crazy.

Personally some things are non negotiable and I'd definitely not want to raise kids as religious, indoctrinated into the nonsense and unnecessarily stifled/less open minded but also since it is a system with a whole lot of regressive views and human rights abuses. Like pedophilia issues, anti contraception and anti abortion under any circumstance. There's blood on people's hands because of silently condoning such crap. The whole zika virus situation in sout America as a result of Roman Catholicism majority, access to abortions, a universal human right as per the UN, is compromised there so many kids are born that way as a result and parents/kids suffer for no reason. Even women who are raped, for no fault of theirs have to be saddled this way and zika makes it a double whammy. Then their homophobia/transphobia which also claims lives. Why be complicit in and fund such a system??

Ofc some folks have managed to a degree, I think TVA is married to an xtian though not sure and I know of some folks who are atheists married to less dogmatic xtians, but ofc their kids situation is different (voluntarily childless)

Marriage itself is kind of archaic though. It is quite reinforcing societies expectations, gender roles and rigidity, is anti-poly and unconcerned with single folks.

Do you have any issues about coming out as an atheist to others? Are there any local atheist groups?

[Cirion Spellbinder]

You certainly can marry a theist, but I wouldn't recommend it unless you know that they are open minded. It seems like it would be extremely frustrating.

Can you give me an example of a debate you have had with him about Catholicism?

[EquALLity]

You don't want your kids to grow up thinking you are going to hell... So your boyfriend thinks that?

Isn't that kind of uncomfortable for you guys? He thinks you deserve to burn forever...

He doesn't think that. He thinks that everyone will spend time in purgatory for their sins until they repent and can go to heaven (which is a pretty accepted view that hardly gets mentioned). And to be quite honest we try not to talk about it because it pisses us both off. I'll tell him I think he was brainwashed, he gets mad... It just turns ugly.

[which yes, I know... avoiding it doesn't make it better, but we haven't yet found a reasonable way to talk about it]

I just know to a lot of Catholics and Christians that would be my faith, and the lessons children learn are usually from their peers (from their parents) and I don't need them coming home thinking that... nor would I want to hide it from my own children.

I guess I just don't know if an atheist has ever had a successful marriage with a strong religious person (besides the obvious 'well yes' answers) that truly enjoys it.

Ah, so he doesn't even believe in 'Hell'?

Well, if he doesn't agree to not force your children into a religion (not to raise them atheists, just to avoid indoctrinating them), then I agree that it's a concern.

[CXC0401]

Ah, so he doesn't even believe in 'Hell'?

Well, if he doesn't agree to not force your children into a religion (not to raise them atheists, just to avoid indoctrinating them), then I agree that it's a concern.

He does believe in hell, it's just that he won't assume I'll burn in hell.