Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

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RaspbeckyBeret
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Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by RaspbeckyBeret »

Hey, everyone. I'm wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation to the one I'm (about to be) in.

I'm a graduate student living on my own in Japan, but I plan to go home (to America) for the summer. My parents tolerated my vegetarian diet while I was living at home as a high school/undergraduate student, but I expect that there will be some major friction with a vegan one. My mom has always prepared meals and, understandably, feels very offended when people do not eat what she has prepared. She often offers me things and will sometimes just place it in front of me without asking. I'm not really sure how to navigate this situation without upsetting my mother. It's one thing for me to learn how to prepare vegan meals, it's quite another to teach someone who isn't vegan, doesn't want to be, and is preparing meals for mostly omnivores.

I'd love to hear from anyone who has been in a similar situation, whether it be family, a significant other, or a roommate, even. I'm somewhat at a loss. I don't want to cause chaos during my time with my family, but it seems somewhat unavoidable at this point.
Dream Sphere
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by Dream Sphere »

I'll try to help as well as I can, but as a disclaimer, I haven't been in a similar situation since my parents were always supportive of my veganism.

So, have you thought, if worse comes to worse and your Mom doesn't want to prepare extra alternatives, that you could prepare your own meals and respectfully tell your Mom that you'd like to exercise some of your independence for a cause that's important to you?

I'll leave the situation with explaning your wishes to your Mom for other forum members with actual experience or knowledge in this situation to chime in.

Have you had experience making your own food? Where I am in Canada there are a lot of convenient, easy to make, vegan options and I was wondering if in your part of America if many those would be available to you? I'll list some ideas now on easy, simple things to get/make which would be satisfying.

Mock meat veggie burgers and veggie dogs are very simple to make, since they aren't actual meat you don't need to worry about E coli, so you can just microwave them for a couple minutes, then put them in their buns and add whichever condiments you want to them.

Peanut/almond butter sandwiches are very simple and satisfying. Likewise, vegan cereals with soy milk are also very convenient.

I don't know if this brand would be in your area, and they're a bit expensive, but Luvo's "Planted" line of frozen meals are very tasty and convenient microwaveable meals. My favourites are the coconut curry, and the masala with greens.

If you have a good blender and can spend money on Vega or Orgain vegan protein powder, then having soy milk smoothies with the powder, frozen berries, and walnuts would be a convenient option.

Another simple meal could be pita and hummus. And another could be black bean burritos made from canned and rinsed black beans, with adding some canola oil and spice to them, adding some chopped veggies, and wrapping them in a tortilla.


I hope some of that helps and that others can help you with explaining your situation and wants to your mother in a convincing way.
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brimstoneSalad
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by brimstoneSalad »

If she's a foodie and big into cooking for people and getting offended when they don't eat it, it may be hard to avoid. Just make sure you tell your mother ahead of time, and I would try to explain that you're going to do your own cooking... or maybe cook a meal for everybody?
If she's open to it, you may be able to cook with her.

How long will you be there? Can you limit the duration of your visit, or maybe visit other friends while you're in the states too?

Her intentions may be good, but I can understand how you'd be concerned she might (probably will) mess up. Inevitably things will have butter and cheese in them. It's a very awkward situation.
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RaspbeckyBeret
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by RaspbeckyBeret »

Dream Sphere wrote: Thu Jun 15, 2017 11:06 am So, have you thought, if worse comes to worse and your Mom doesn't want to prepare extra alternatives, that you could prepare your own meals and respectfully tell your Mom that you'd like to exercise some of your independence for a cause that's important to you?

I'll leave the situation with explaning your wishes to your Mom for other forum members with actual experience or knowledge in this situation to chime in.

Have you had experience making your own food? Where I am in Canada there are a lot of convenient, easy to make, vegan options and I was wondering if in your part of America if many those would be available to you? I'll list some ideas now on easy, simple things to get/make which would be satisfying.
Thank you for your response :) I've been living on my own now for almost six years, so I do have experience preparing my own meals, but my mom is a stay at home mom and she has always prepared meals for me and my three younger siblings. It's something she likes to do and puts a lot of effort into. I would be content to make my own meals. I'm mostly just concerned about upsetting her. Thank you for your meal suggestions, though!
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RaspbeckyBeret
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by RaspbeckyBeret »

brimstoneSalad wrote: Thu Jun 15, 2017 8:34 pm If she's a foodie and big into cooking for people and getting offended when they don't eat it, it may be hard to avoid. Just make sure you tell your mother ahead of time, and I would try to explain that you're going to do your own cooking... or maybe cook a meal for everybody?
If she's open to it, you may be able to cook with her.

How long will you be there? Can you limit the duration of your visit, or maybe visit other friends while you're in the states too?

Her intentions may be good, but I can understand how you'd be concerned she might (probably will) mess up. Inevitably things will have butter and cheese in them. It's a very awkward situation.
Yes, it is... I think my best bet will be trying to help her cook meals and/or taking over cooking entirely when I can. She knows I'm lactose intolerant, so she does respect my refusal of dairy products in addition to my previous vegetarian diet, but eggs and other animal products... she does not understand. Maybe I should get her to watch Earthlings, haha.
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brimstoneSalad
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by brimstoneSalad »

She should really respect your choices even without understanding/agreeing with them, though. Maybe you can talk to her about that.

It might have been a joke, but if she would watch Earthlings and it might give her some respect for your choice, that could help. Sounds like a long shot, but who knows. Almost seems like avoiding the issue of her respecting you even without understanding (which she should), but if it's the path of least resistance I'd go for it.

You know your mom best.
Dream Sphere
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by Dream Sphere »

RaspbeckyBeret wrote: Thu Jun 15, 2017 10:42 pm
Dream Sphere wrote: Thu Jun 15, 2017 11:06 am So, have you thought, if worse comes to worse and your Mom doesn't want to prepare extra alternatives, that you could prepare your own meals and respectfully tell your Mom that you'd like to exercise some of your independence for a cause that's important to you?

I'll leave the situation with explaning your wishes to your Mom for other forum members with actual experience or knowledge in this situation to chime in.

Have you had experience making your own food? Where I am in Canada there are a lot of convenient, easy to make, vegan options and I was wondering if in your part of America if many those would be available to you? I'll list some ideas now on easy, simple things to get/make which would be satisfying.
Thank you for your response :) I've been living on my own now for almost six years, so I do have experience preparing my own meals, but my mom is a stay at home mom and she has always prepared meals for me and my three younger siblings. It's something she likes to do and puts a lot of effort into. I would be content to make my own meals. I'm mostly just concerned about upsetting her. Thank you for your meal suggestions, though!
Well, here's to hoping she will be accepting of you doing what you believe in and value. I agree with brimstone that even if she doesn't personally agree with your values that she should still respect you as being an adult with your own values and independence. Hopefully you can come up with something persuasive. Maybe trying some food evangelism along with showing her Earthlings could help. Just show your Mom some really tasty Vegan food and suggest that she could make that for everyone one night out of each week? Or make base meals which are Vegan, but can have animal products added for your other family members. And just make your own meals independently for the rest of the week. So she still gets to cater to you occasionally, but you're not forcing everyone else to be Vegan 100% of the time. I'm not certain since I don't have personal experience with it, but I guess that it'd be worth a try.

By the way, welcome to the forum!

How was it being Vegan in Japan? I've heard that it's really hard to avoid fish there.

Also, I'm curious, did the interest in going to Japan stem from special studying opportunities, or do you also have an interest in Japanese culture? That would interest me somewhat since a couple of my favourite bands are Japanese and my user name actually comes from a song by one of them. Plus, learning about other cultures art is just interesting in general to me.
Jamie in Chile
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by Jamie in Chile »

A tricky situation. Can't comment from personal experience but I'll chime in a bit anyway.

I propose you chat to her by phone in advance of arriving and/or as soon as you get there on the first day and try and make an agreement rather than letting things work themselves out. Personally, I think that tends to work better most of the time (although not always).

I suggest offer to cook, offer to buy veggie burgers to complement other burgers, and offer to eat meals with just the meat taken out (e.g. potatoes and veg). Also, are you willing to comprimise on some areas, e.g. accept something with animal butter mixed in or a cake made with egg. It might help but it depends how you feel about it. Offer to do these things while praising the quality of her food and saying you would really appreciate this as an important favour.

Some of the threads I've seen on this topic on other forums, where I've read about other people's experiences, suggest people are less accepting to start and become more accepting over time.
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RaspbeckyBeret
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by RaspbeckyBeret »

Dream Sphere wrote: Fri Jun 16, 2017 2:13 pm By the way, welcome to the forum!

How was it being Vegan in Japan? I've heard that it's really hard to avoid fish there.

Also, I'm curious, did the interest in going to Japan stem from special studying opportunities, or do you also have an interest in Japanese culture? That would interest me somewhat since a couple of my favourite bands are Japanese and my user name actually comes from a song by one of them. Plus, learning about other cultures art is just interesting in general to me.
Thank you!

Being vegan in Japan is very difficult. There seems to be animal products in nearly everything, even the dishes where you wouldn't expect it. Fish, particularly fish flakes or broth, is difficult to avoid for sure. Being vegan at home is okay once you know what to shop/look for, but eating out is often a challenge. There are some fantastic vegan restaurants, though.

I have a great interest in Japanese culture! My major as an undergrad was East Asian Studies :) What are your favorite bands? Learning about other cultures is also very interesting to me.
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RaspbeckyBeret
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Re: Dealing with Unsupportive Parents

Post by RaspbeckyBeret »

Jamie in Chile wrote: Fri Jun 16, 2017 11:04 pm A tricky situation. Can't comment from personal experience but I'll chime in a bit anyway.

I propose you chat to her by phone in advance of arriving and/or as soon as you get there on the first day and try and make an agreement rather than letting things work themselves out. Personally, I think that tends to work better most of the time (although not always).

I suggest offer to cook, offer to buy veggie burgers to complement other burgers, and offer to eat meals with just the meat taken out (e.g. potatoes and veg). Also, are you willing to comprimise on some areas, e.g. accept something with animal butter mixed in or a cake made with egg. It might help but it depends how you feel about it. Offer to do these things while praising the quality of her food and saying you would really appreciate this as an important favour.

Some of the threads I've seen on this topic on other forums, where I've read about other people's experiences, suggest people are less accepting to start and become more accepting over time.
That's good advice. Thank you :)
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