Depression and Friends

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Cirion Spellbinder
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Depression and Friends

Post by Cirion Spellbinder »

This discussion is off-topic, but perhaps not fun. Hopefully it is more off-topic than it is unfun!

Recently, I have had a considerable relapse with my depression. Over the past 10 years, I have tended to get depressed once every 3 years for a few months. This year I have gotten depressed only 1 year after my past episode. This my senior year of (American) high school and I have been accepted by one university and waitlisted by another, though I haven't heard back from the rest. I am going to start a Cognitive Behavioral Therapy program and am looking into Dialectical Behavior Therapy. I generally find myself not trusting psychiatric professionals with anything but medicine (which I am taking), so I expect that this will be difficult.

I think a majority of my depression is caused by loneliness due to not having any close friends or romantic relations. I have a supportive family, but I don't trust them, except for perhaps, my brothers and step-mom, the former of which I do not want to burden as they are younger and the latter of which I have no real excuse to not get closer to. I do not have difficulty making acquaintances and I am very social. However, I tend to not trust people and haven't had any friends that I would consider dependable and that actively seek me out since before my last depressive episode (in which I blocked them all out of my life). A girl at my high school has been supportive and inspirational towards me, but she has a much stronger bond with three other people. I am now trying to spend time with them because I think it will make the rest of the school year less lonely. I don't suspect that I will talk to them again after graduation. Furthermore, I asked out one of the members of this group at a party, where I was rejected because he is straight. This makes spending time with the group more lonesome for me, but I do still think it is less lonesome than being alone at school.

What I want to know is what I can do to get better friends and date in college. Besides being sociable and trying to get to know people, what can I do to find people that will like me and that I can depend upon? Furthermore, how do I find romantic partners, especially given the promiscuous hook up culture that I would like to avoid even if it is common to people of my sexuality? I would like to make this my last severe episode and would appreciate any help.
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brimstoneSalad
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by brimstoneSalad »

Loneliness can certainly contribute.

Unfortunately a large part of your problem is probably due to your peer group not being very mature. That's something that will resolve in time, but doesn't help you much right now.

Do you have any access to older social groups or meetups?
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by PsYcHo »

Cirion Spellbinder wrote: Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:06 pm What I want to know is what I can do to get better friends and date in college. Besides being sociable and trying to get to know people, what can I do to find people that will like me and that I can depend upon? Furthermore, how do I find romantic partners, especially given the promiscuous hook up culture that I would like to avoid even if it is common to people of my sexuality? I would like to make this my last severe episode and would appreciate any help.
You're going through a rough age for anyone, and though times have changed for the better in regards to your sexuality, I'm sure it's still trying. Acknowledging your depression is a great step in the right direction, but there are no guarantees you will not have another severe episode in life. But by working on it, you can reduce the frequency and intensity, and I wish you the best.

For finding friends, the only advice I can give is you must be willing to open yourself up to the possibility of being disappointed by them. Much like befriending a stray cat, it takes time and trust on both ends, and both parties may have reasons to not trust the other. (Usually due to life experience)

For finding romantic partners, if you want to avoid the "hookup" scene, I'd suggest a gay bar. Even though this is also a place full of guys looking to hook up, it's also a place guys go to socialize with others like themselves. Even if you don't drink (since you are not old enough yet I suppose going into college), many have an 18+ policy, you'll just have to tolerate a hand stamp to let the bartender know you can't buy booze, or conversely you won't be allowed the coveted hand stamp for drinkers. There are many non-drinkers in gay bars, and also many guys trying to just meet someone. The advantage I've found about gay bars vs. straight bars is that it is quite acceptable to be totally honest about whether you just want to "hook up" or if you are looking for something more. Plus you know almost every guy there is at least inclined sexually the same as you, so it's just a basic compatibility question at that point. I think now many colleges also have LGBT groups, so that is an option. (We didn't have those when I went...yells at child to get off lawn)

Best of luck Cirion.
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by Jebus »

Cirion Spellbinder wrote: Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:06 pmWhat I want to know is what I can do to get better friends and date in college. Besides being sociable and trying to get to know people, what can I do to find people that will like me and that I can depend upon? Furthermore, how do I find romantic partners, especially given the promiscuous hook up culture that I would like to avoid even if it is common to people of my sexuality? I would like to make this my last severe episode and would appreciate any help.
Have you done any activism yet? The bond between similarly minded activists tend to be very strong and is likely to lead to strong friendships and potentially romantic relationships. I would also assume it could combat depression as it tends to strengthen someone's identity and focus (in addition to the support structure hinted to above).
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by esquizofrenico »

All the advices they have given you here are good, but I like to add that you should be cautious when trying to combat depression through the help of others. I have a friend that was depressed for basically his whole life, until he met the girl that was his wife for a couple of years. Long story short, they broke up and my friend tried to kill himself several times and he is still affected by it. So be careful not to become dependant of someone or a group of people.

Unfortunately depressive people tend to be more lonely in their life than average, so you should prepare for it. I think you should try to learn enjoying being alone while, of course, not actually seeking it. In this topic what I believe helps the most is trying to do something creative: writing, painting, practising music, composing it, studying a topic you like, etc. The consuming culture is horrible for a depressive person, that is probably why you don't enjoy hookups.

As a positive note, these past two years have been by far the saddest and loneliest in my life; but also the ones in which I have grown the most as a person. But I am a very optimistic in general, so I don't pretend to know what you are going through.

Forgive me if I have offended you bringing up my friend's story, I'm not suggesting you will ever try to kill yourself.

PS: Activism sounds like a great idea, because even if you don't get to meet new people, it certainly is something productive and creative.
PS2: About the college part, I really think you should stop seeing your classroom as the place you go to get friends. I only had acquaintances in college, but had plenty of friends at the time.
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by EquALLity »

Hey, welcome back to the forum.
Cirion Spellbinder wrote:I generally find myself not trusting psychiatric professionals with anything but medicine (which I am taking), so I expect that this will be difficult.
Is that because you don't trust people in general?
I think a majority of my depression is caused by loneliness due to not having any close friends or romantic relations. I have a supportive family, but I don't trust them, except for perhaps, my brothers and step-mom, the former of which I do not want to burden as they are younger and the latter of which I have no real excuse to not get closer to. I do not have difficulty making acquaintances and I am very social. However, I tend to not trust people and haven't had any friends that I would consider dependable and that actively seek me out since before my last depressive episode (in which I blocked them all out of my life). A girl at my high school has been supportive and inspirational towards me, but she has a much stronger bond with three other people. I am now trying to spend time with them because I think it will make the rest of the school year less lonely. I don't suspect that I will talk to them again after graduation. Furthermore, I asked out one of the members of this group at a party, where I was rejected because he is straight. This makes spending time with the group more lonesome for me, but I do still think it is less lonesome than being alone at school.
Are you sure that loneliness is the primary cause of your depression? You could possibly test this by thinking about different levels of loneliness have impacted your depression. For example, when you recently relapsed, did that happen after you became more lonely? If so, is this always the case when you relapse, and is it also the case that when you become less lonely that your depression starts to go away? I ask because being depressed can cause you to withdraw into yourself, making you more lonely, so it could be the depression causing the loneliness.

As you mentioned, you seem to not easily trust people. I think that a major reason why having close friends is important is because you have people who you trust. Also, mutual trust can make you more close to someone who is already your friend. Perhaps you should work on trusting people, although I'm not sure how. I don't trust people easily either, but luckily I've known my close friends so long that I trust them. Unfortunately, it isn't something that happens overnight.
Have you ever had close friends and/or people you have trusted? If so, how did you come to trust them?
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EquALLity
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by EquALLity »

esquizofrenico wrote:All the advices they have given you here are good, but I like to add that you should be cautious when trying to combat depression through the help of others. I have a friend that was depressed for basically his whole life, until he met the girl that was his wife for a couple of years. Long story short, they broke up and my friend tried to kill himself several times and he is still affected by it. So be careful not to become dependant of someone or a group of people.
I agree, to an extent. When it comes to romantic relationships, I agree that you shouldn't rely on those for happiness, as if you break up you will relapse strongly. So, he may want to deal with his depression before finding a boyfriend. However, I think it may be different for friendships, because friendships can be much less shaky. I think it's more rare that people "break up" with their friends, and even if they do, they will have other friends, so they won't be alone all of a sudden. For this to work, I think it's important that you have multiple close friends.
Unfortunately depressive people tend to be more lonely in their life than average, so you should prepare for it. I think you should try to learn enjoying being alone while, of course, not actually seeking it. In this topic what I believe helps the most is trying to do something creative: writing, painting, practising music, composing it, studying a topic you like, etc. The consuming culture is horrible for a depressive person, that is probably why you don't enjoy hookups.
Given that Cirion has been in this situation for ten years, it seems unlikely that he'd now be able to cope with being lonely. Honestly, I think it is really important for people to be close with some others. I think many people would get depressed if they felt really lonely.
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by brimstoneSalad »

EquALLity wrote: Thu Mar 08, 2018 10:27 amHowever, I think it may be different for friendships, because friendships can be much less shaky. I think it's more rare that people "break up" with their friends, and even if they do, they will have other friends, so they won't be alone all of a sudden. For this to work, I think it's important that you have multiple close friends.
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EquALLity wrote: Thu Mar 08, 2018 10:27 amGiven that Cirion has been in this situation for ten years, it seems unlikely that he'd now be able to cope with being lonely. Honestly, I think it is really important for people to be close with some others. I think many people would get depressed if they felt really lonely.
Right. We're a social species. Peer interaction is important.
Cirion Spellbinder
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by Cirion Spellbinder »

brimstoneSalad wrote: Wed Mar 07, 2018 11:46 pmDo you have any access to older social groups or meetups?
My high school is on a community college and I take college classes there. I am part of the college gardening / hiking club.
Cirion Spellbinder
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Re: Depression and Friends

Post by Cirion Spellbinder »

Cirion Spellbinder wrote: Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:06 pmFor finding friends, the only advice I can give is you must be willing to open yourself up to the possibility of being disappointed by them. Much like befriending a stray cat, it takes time and trust on both ends, and both parties may have reasons to not trust the other.
Other people have told me this as well. Wouldn't it be better to wait for other people to make this move and then reciprocate it to minimize losses?
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Best of luck Cirion.
Thanks!
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